How to deal with difficult (even unbearable) people. How not to get angry at people? We find out the reasons
As a rule, anger can arise due to stressful conditions in which a person stays for a long time. Constant dejection, discomfort, aggression, negative attitude towards others - all these are companions of anger.
We often ask others and ourselves the question “why do people get angry?”. There can be many reasons. One of them is elementary fatigue and, accordingly, exhaustion of the nervous system. In such a situation, the best way out is to rest or go to your favorite shops, to a beauty salon. Or you can just relax and do nothing, lie at home on the couch, read a book, watch TV, or vice versa, subject yourself to active loads - go to the pool, gym.
Sometimes it's hard not to get irritated at work.
It happens that irritation causes someone's behavior or action, dissatisfaction with a particular situation. This can be especially relevant in relationships with management or work colleagues. And such professions as a doctor, salesman, manager or teacher generally belong to the category of highly emotional and intense work. Any work connected with people will be tense and difficult in one way or another. In general, working with people, both before and now, is considered the most difficult. After all, you simply have to be polite, courteous and restrain your feelings. Being in society, in any case, you should learn to control the manifestation of your emotions and control yourself. Irritability takes away most of your strength and energy.
Anger is an essential element of the instinct of self-preservation. This feeling arises when someone tries to encroach on your personal space. It can also manifest itself in the form of a response to someone's actions. Parents get mad at their kids when they don't do their chores around the house, work colleagues get mad at each other because some are actually working and some are just hanging out.
Constant scandals, stress and irritation begin to cause attacks of aggression in a person. And then, when the situation gets out of control, you can say a lot of superfluous and offensive things to your dear people. And then, when you cool down and calm down, you can really regret what was said. But people can still have an unpleasant aftertaste and resentment for a long time. Know that aggression and anger are powerful force, but it can be controlled and converted into positive energy.
How can you learn to control your anger? Remember that the period of an active anger attack is approximately fifteen minutes. And all the other consequences are your stubbornness, self-hypnosis, and so on. Hence the very simple advice - if you feel that the “boiling point” is about to approach, just wait. And it is better if at this time you will be alone and will not communicate with anyone. This will help you calm down and recover faster.
In order to be less angry, look at everything from the positive side, set yourself up only for the positive and do not expect a dirty trick from people who have not done anything to you yet. If your outbursts of anger are uncontrollable, then drink lemon balm tea, take valerian tincture and other sedatives. And, of course, relax, go in for sports, and then you will receive a charge of vivacity and good mood. Love yourself and respect the people around you.
She thinks that you are talking, while she does not allow you to insert a word. Not everything always goes according to plan, and it happens that you are the one responsible for the tragedy. Whether it's a family member, a co-worker, or worse, a boss, aggressive and difficult people can turn a good day into drama for no reason. When leaving is not an option, what will you do?
We've all met aggressive and difficult people to communicate with with which no one can, and does not want to cope. In most situations, you can just walk away, limiting yourself to ruffled feathers, without bringing the situation to a cockfight. You can wait until the annoying person leaves, and then complain to your friends: "He's unbearable". But another option seems to be much more productive: to start developing the skills of practical psychology.
Firstly, take responsibility for your part of the interaction. Animosity is born in your own heart. Even the most unbearable person has or had a mother. He was loved by someone. If you can manage your reaction and take responsibility for it, it's hard to imagine a more productive step. Impartiality is the best answer, because if you can interact without a violent emotional response, your head will be clear enough to make progress with a difficult person.
Further, try to figure out what specifically irritates you. Is this person an energy vampire, an eternal critic or a competitive lover? We tend to use descriptive words to help us understand and understand exactly what is going on.
- An energy vampire wants care and love. Such people feel weak, they are attracted to the strong in spirit, but in desperation they will cling to anyone.
- The eternal critic must always be right. He will justify his behavior in any situation, even cruel, and he always has a reason to shift the blame on others. These people are perfectionists and micro-managers. They are capable of endlessly criticizing others.
- The lover of competition must win. He views the most trivial meeting as a competition. He won't back down until he tastes the sweet taste of victory.
How to learn to communicate with these types of people
- An energy vampire cannot be avoided.
It's like Velcro, and will stick around as soon as you get in its line of sight. He ignores a polite refusal, and by refusing him directly, you risk making money. worst enemy. Neutrality hurts their pride and makes them feel insecure.
- The eternal critic will not back down from his point of view,
even if you provide concrete evidence of your correctness and the fallacy of his judgments. He doesn't care about the facts, he only cares about being right. His perfectionism will not allow you to communicate better even if you do your job a hundred times better than before. He will always find something to criticize.
- It is difficult to calm a lover of competitions even with prayers.
Any manifestation of emotions acts on him like a red rag on a bull. He perceives other people's tears as weakness and begins to press even harder. He comes back to finish off even if you beg him not to. If you firmly stand your ground, he will probably try to desert, and will henceforth avoid you.
What to do if the described rules of communication do not help
- You can get rid of an energy vampire by showing how to deal with the situation yourself.
Let him feel responsible. Instead of doing what they want, show them how to do it. This technique works well with children and children who will never grow up (which is why energy vampires seem so infantile). If they try to get out and say that you are doing this job better, answer that you are not. The more you act, the more they will cling to you. Finally, find a situation in which you can say, "I need your help." They will either ignore the request or withdraw themselves. I think you will be satisfied with any option.
- The eternal critic can be defeated by fearlessness.
Deep down, he is afraid of appearing inadequate, and defends himself against his own insecurities, making others feel insecure. When you've done a good job, just say so and don't give in to his insistence on constantly changing things. Learn to be firm and know how to stand up for yourself. But most importantly, do not get involved in the game of "who is right and who is wrong": you will never beat the critic at his own game.
- A competitive lover can be dealt with by letting him win.
Until he wins, he will not have a chance to show the generosity of his soul. Most competitors want to be generous: it improves their self-esteem, which they always care about. If your views are completely different, never show emotions, and do not ask for indulgence. Instead, make a reasonable argument. If the discussion is based on facts, the competitive spirit of the competitive lover will not suffer too much. For example, instead of saying, “It's getting late. I'm too tired for complex reasoning, and you're wrong,” say, “I need more time to resolve this issue. In the morning I will be fresh and able to make a decision.”
Of course, there are times when you can't handle difficult people and just have to distance yourself. But even the described types are not obvious, there are halftones here too.
People with high self esteem.
Let them speak. In most cases, they can be ignored, and they themselves quickly forget what was said. If their dominance starts to put too much pressure on you, step aside. The best strategy - in practice, it is used by those who love this type of people and even married them - sit silently and enjoy the performance.
Chronic complainers.
These people are angry and dissatisfied, but in reality they do not realize that the source of their anger is within themselves. As a rule, the only option is to put up with them, and remain uninvolved in the monologue. Do not agree with their complaints and discontent, but do not try to calm them down either. They have endless fuel for their bile and seething rage.
Victims.
These people are passive-aggressive. They harm you while hurting themselves. The best tactic is to show the anger you feel. Don't take their sacrifice as an excuse. If the victim is in the "poor me" category with no passive-aggressive component, offer them real, practical help instead of empathy. For example, if the victim says they might lose their job soon, say, “I can lend you money and help you find jobs,” instead of, “That's terrible. You must feel disgusting."
Be that as it may, most difficult people wants to be heard and not judged. If you can take a moment of free time and not be too involved in the process, this is already a worthy deed. Being a good listener means not arguing, criticizing, interrupting, or imposing your own opinion. If the interlocutor has a genuine interest in you, and most difficult people do not, he will offer you to speak out, and not just listen. But the ability to listen must also have its limits. As soon as you feel that you, against your will, are being drawn into an unnecessary conversation, start retreating. The essence of practical psychology lies in knowing what to fix, what to put up with, and what to ignore.
Why are people angry? Reasons, as usual, more than we would like. Any imperfection of the world causes roughness, protrusions and dents, and they rub, press, prick, in a word, cause pain. Anger is directly related to pain. Touching our sore spots will certainly cause overt or covert anger. This is an imperative. We reflexively withdraw our hand from the burning fire. But in order for this reflex to work, a hormonal explosion occurs in the body with all the biochemical processes that accompany this event. Where does adrenaline go, which enters the bloodstream in a situation where we lose ground under our feet? Where does the energy that comes into the body with adrenaline go? If we do not expend this energy on flight or pursuit or physical struggle, then this energy turns into emotion, like any stopped energy. And emotion is anger. We don't get mad at fire because it burns, because that's its natural property, we treat it as a fact, without any evaluation or moral judgment. But we will be angry at any person who will touch our sore spots.
However, ask the other "Are you evil or good?". Most will answer "I am a kind person." However, what happens with kind people when they want to destroy all the Jews, or all the infidels, or all the scum, or this or that sort of "superfluous" people? Or what happens to a man when he begins to hate the once dearly beloved woman? Or with a father who says to his son: “I curse you!”, Or with a grandmother who shouts to her little granddaughter: “It’s not enough to kill you, cattle!” What happens to all of them?
Anger is a way to deal with pain.To not be hurt - you need to become insensitive. The illusion of insensitivity is created by many people on this planet. However, there is no way to avoid pain, because pain is a sign of life.and a reminder of her fragility and vulnerability. The pain can only be reduced. In fact, this is the most important work of all life - to reduce pain. So organize your life every second so that friction is minimal, so that sharp corners do not stick out, so that hard turns into soft, and rough turns into tender. Most often this is a long and imperceptible process, like that like water wears down stone.
Those who work in the bastard are looking for shortcuts. And as you know, the easiest way to get rid of all pain and all problems in one fell swoop is to die. This script is built into us in childhood by parents or other adults, telling us not to cry when it hurts, or not to complain about difficulties, or not to pay attention to them. After all, most people hide their true feelings, especially the most painful ones, hiding them so far away that they themselves no longer know what they feel, pretending with all their might that nothing, demonstrating only the imperturbable face and smile of an invulnerable person. Sometimes they are overcome by tears, but they do not know why they cry. And some can’t even cry, but they don’t feel joy either. When you don't feel, it's like you don't live. There is another way that many people use with success, they kill the one who causes pain. And this is always a close person, because it is about him that we always get hurt and hurt ourselves, about the one who is closest to everyone. That's what anger does, it destroys. She turns loved one into a villain, an enemy, and begins to fight and hate him. Does the pain go away from the destruction of loved ones? No, rather the opposite...
Then what happens to all of us?
Body, soul and mind show us through pain our most vulnerable places. It seems that it is so simple, you know where your neighbor hurts - and you don’t touch it, but on the contrary, you help to heal. But the whole paradox lies in the fact that sore spots objectively require help, but subjectively they want to be hidden.
How to interact with two close and wounded people? How to start a dialogue in the zone of vulnerability?
I have had to do this many times in my work with couples, in groups, and in my own relationships with loved ones. And here it is very important to remember the following:
- Only relatives and significant people cause each other the most unbearable pain. "For relationships to heat up, they have to be warm."
- Emotions arise in the place of an interrupted need, so that until needs are recognized, they will not allow passions to subside.
- Broken boundaries, promises, and expectations hurt our security, ethics, and self-esteem, and thus provoke suspicion, resentment, and hurt self-esteem. A pile of mutual claims can crush us with a tombstone and instill hatred in our souls (By the way, hatred is not forgiven love), or there may be another way out. But another way out requires mental effort. For example, can you say these words: "I'm sorry that I had to hurt you"?If you can, then you are on the path to healing from anger.
