home > Psychology of divorce > How to calmly part with a loved one. How to survive a breakup with a loved one. The psychology of separation. How to live and life after a breakup. Breakup treatment program.

How to calmly part with a loved one. How to survive a breakup with a loved one. The psychology of separation. How to live and life after a breakup. Breakup treatment program.

Saying the first words of love, you could not even think how hard it would be to part. Yes, there are those who are planning a break at the dawn of a relationship. And now the moment comes when you realize that, despite love (if it still remains), it’s easier and better for you to continue life path separately. How to choose the right words to part with a person most painlessly is the topic of today's article.

How to start a breakup? First of all, with a firm decision. If it’s hard for you to decide on a confident point, make a list where the pluses will be indicated in one column, and the minuses of your relationship will be indicated in the other. It is important that the qualities are equal. Try to soberly assess the situation, because we are ready to put up with some shortcomings, but something is unacceptable for us. And if you cannot formulate the reasons, you just feel with your heart, then this is the most sure sign that your relationship has outlived itself.

How to make people part as friends. Or at least keep warm memories of each other. The secret is respect. Respect yourself and your decision, respect the feelings of the other person and their right to know the reason for your breakup.

Breakup Rules

Don't start the conversation with accusations. If it is possible to do without them, do not blame. The blame for the failed relationship always lies with both. If a person did not live up to your expectations, it may have happened because you initially idealized him;
Speak to the person in as even but warm a tone as possible. He should not give hope, but also hurt with coldness - too;
name the main reason for your breakup. Even if you're not going to tell him the truth (for whatever reason), find reasons that are good enough. The fact that you do not want to be together - in itself has the right to be the end of the relationship. The main thing is to express it so that the dot does not turn into three dots;
Don't forget to thank the person for all the good times that happened between you. One or two will be enough, otherwise the separation may end with the notorious "why am I selling my cow." You will surely be overwhelmed by a wave of memories, and your loved one will not feel better from these excursions into the past;
offer to remain friends (if you believe in friendship after a relationship), but do not rush to establish contacts in a new format. At first, it is better to avoid communication.

No matter how much you want to part with your loved one painlessly, unpleasant feelings are unlikely to be avoided. Most likely, you will be tormented by bouts of regret, memories, fear that as good as it was with this person, it is unlikely to be with someone else. Therefore, it is important to occupy yourself, distract from sad thoughts.

How to survive a breakup with a person who means a lot in your life? Everyone asks this question at least once in their life. If you are now in a difficult situation due to a breakup, listen to the advice of psychologists, which are outlined in this article.

To make it easier to survive a breakup - advice from a psychologist:

Give vent to emotions!

Breaking up with a loved one various surveys gives you the biggest pain in life. To get rid of the pain that is felt almost physically after parting with a loved one, you first need to accept your feelings. Be honest with yourself - you feel bad, bitter, hurt, want to cry, even if it is obvious that parting will benefit both parties. Psychologists advise you to accept your pain, let it manifest itself, come out. If you want to cry - cry, if you want to scream - scream, express it as best you can. When the pain spills out, you will experience great relief. Perhaps there will be several such attempts, do not keep feelings in yourself, let them manifest. Of course, you should not express them to the person who left you, he does not need them. Do it alone.

Find a companion!

According to psychologists, people who do not discuss their problem and the feelings that arose after parting with a loved one “recover” much longer. Those who share their experiences with friends, mom or someone else will cope with the situation much faster. If you have a close friend, call her, arrange a meeting to talk. Just tell her everything you feel. In such a conversation, you should not pour mud on the person you love, this will not bring relief. You should share only what is inside you, what gnaws and torments you.

If you don't have a close friend, no problem. You can turn to a psychologist, he is always ready to listen to other people's problems and support, in addition, he will be able to give some practical advice on how to survive separation from a loved one. If this option does not work either, take a clean notebook and write in it everything that is on your mind. Do this as often as you like, write everything that is boiling, that does not let you fall asleep. When emotions and thoughts are exhausted, burn this notebook. Psychologists say that in this way you can permanently get rid of negative feelings.

There is no way back!

So, the first two stages have been passed, namely this time is the most painful, when you don’t want to see anyone, do nothing, but only cry and talk with your loved one. If you courageously coped with this difficult period of time, we move on to the next stage of healing. Psychologists advise to remove from your life everything that reminds you of a former lover. Delete his number from your phone memory, end friendships on social networks, get rid of his things in the apartment. As if nothing had happened. Why do it? To save yourself from trying to contact him, and such a desire will certainly arise more than once. So that you don’t see cute teddy bears every day, presented to your loved ones for birthdays.

Gifts will remind you of the good things that you experienced together, but old relationship do not return. If you can’t throw them away, just put them in the attic or give them to a friend for a while, the main thing is not to see them all the time now. When you are completely cleared of pain, recover psychologically, it will be possible to return these things to the house. Then they won't make you cry and hope again.

You need change!

At this stage, when some time has passed since the breakup, and you have experienced the most acute peak of emotions, it's time for a change. If you visited a psychologist, he would certainly recommend a change of scenery. If there is an opportunity to go somewhere, pack your things. Any trip, journey, tour is a change of scenery. You can even visit distant relatives, just to unwind, see new scenery, get new emotions.

If the trip cannot take place, change the home interior - rearrange the furniture, buy something new for the house, please yourself. Gather your friends and visit the theater or go to the cinema, or even to the circus, if only something new has come into your mind, food for thought. Your goal is to fill your thoughts new information to replace the old one. Set a goal to visit different places every week - at concerts, parties, picnics, exhibitions. Get a lot of positive emotions.

Take care of yourself!

It is easier to survive separation from a loved one if you pay more attention to yourself. Of course, at first, when obsessive painful thoughts are constantly spinning in your head, you don’t want to do this. However, after a month or two, you can pamper yourself. Do you want to become slimmer? Well, now you have more time - go to the fitness club. Sign up for a beautician, stylist, transform yourself. When you, renewed, look at yourself in the mirror after these procedures, you will feel real inspiration, self-confidence, a desire to live and enjoy every day.

1. On a piece of paper, write 10-15 reasons why the departure of a loved one has gone or will benefit you. Expand this list over time. When more than 30 points are typed there, it means that you have successfully survived the separation.

2. Do good deeds to other people, give gifts.

3. Learn something new - learn languages, take driving courses.

After parting with a loved one, everyone experiences pain - even the one who initiated the breakup. Gradually, strong emotions will subside, leaving only barely noticeable light memories in memory. Use the advice of psychologists to quickly cope with this difficult period in life.

Breakups, painful breakups and the departure of loved ones are events that everyone faces in their lives. Sooner or later, but losses knock on any door, and a person has to be aware of all the ambiguity of the present moment and the cunning of fateful meetings. Reality at times makes significant adjustments to our ideas about the future, taking away loved ones who seemed to be an integral part of being. Those who have ever experienced a breakup know that it is not so easy to survive it, but it is vital to do it.

Put an end

In order to permanently get rid of energy bindings, it is necessary to fully understand the situation: the person has really left, and you really hurt.

There are many reasons why he could do this, and not all of them are just or worthy.

Psychologists don't mean a loud slam of a door or a fiery speech at the other end of a telephone wire when they say that an end should be put to rest. You need to let go of a person, realizing that parting is his conscious decision, which is almost impossible to influence.

forgive yourself

As a rule, if a loved one leaves, we begin to blame ourselves, thereby creating certain complexes and barriers. This case is extremely ungrateful and useless, because no one knows for sure the degree of your guilt. Perhaps the chosen one did not like the way you chew food, or make the bed, or perhaps there were more serious motives. In any case, the truth is unlikely to be revealed, and a person’s resentment may lie in himself. That is why they say that both partners are to blame for parting. Blame yourself once and live happily ever after. Otherwise, you will be shackled by resentment for a long time to come.

Try to take advantage

The first thing that comes to mind is: figure out the reasons why you were left. It is likely that the partner had a good reason to break off the relationship - find it out. A personal crisis is called a “test” for that, it provides an opportunity to understand oneself and one’s shortcomings, having worked on them and, if possible, eliminating them.

Don't let yourself fall apart and set goals for the near future

Life without goals and new steps makes absolutely no sense, so try to plan your day as fully as possible.

Leave as little free time as possible and pay attention to communication with others. Friends and acquaintances will not give you the opportunity to "twist" and feel sorry for yourself, drawing you into the maelstrom of everyday worries.

Do good to people

This method is simple to disgrace: by pleasing others and doing the most insignificant good deeds, you benefit yourself.

Mistakes girls make during and after a breakup

They start blaming the man who left them

Mutual reproaches and accusations are the worst thing that can happen after a breakup.

They demonstrate a complete lack of respect for the once loved person and characterize the accuser not from the most personal side. It is best to refrain from angry statements, leaving the act young man on his own conscience, since no notations will have any effect anyway, and the nerves will spoil even more.

They rush headlong into a new relationship, naively believing that this will help them and dull the pain of a breakup.

Many girls really believe that a new relationship is the best cure for loss. They do not understand that the breakup pretty much crippled their own attitude and no new (even the best) man will fix this. Rushing from one extreme to another, it is impossible to find the right solution, so you should stay alone and try to resolve the internal conflicts that invariably arise in such situations.

Keep all the gifts and reminders of the departed person

Each knick-knack left after the break is a kind of portal to the past, which will draw out all the forces and positive emotions. They must be given immediately, without delay and without hesitation!

Useful advice from a psychologist

There is no single right recipe for restoring your own peace of mind after a breakup. Each person is unique and faces their own complexes, problems and difficulties.

Most psychologists advise letting life take its course: moving on to work, meeting your best and perhaps long-forgotten friends, and trying to be as active as possible socially. Some girls dye their hair in unusual colors, change their boring and well-known phone number, move to another city or get a pet, but there is one rule: this can be done solely on their own, and not from deducted recommendations.

Try to please yourself as much as possible and make up for the lack of endorphins.

Start writing down your experiences in a diary, give yourself gifts, play your favorite sport, take care of your appearance, pay attention to creativity or go on a trip. Any option that can distract you from sad thoughts is acceptable and effective.

Answers to other questions:

How to survive a breakup with a man if we work together, work together and see each other all the time?

If the option of changing jobs is not considered at all, then it is necessary to recognize the problem and cope with it. To do this, you will have to recognize the differences between the career ladder and your own experiences. It is always useful to separate one from the other, and after parting it is necessary. During the working day, try to pass by your chosen one and do not let your emotions take over.

How to endure a breakup with a guy who raised his hand to me?

Many mistakenly believe that parting with a person who seems to be good, but consistently offends you is easy.

They are mistaken in not realizing the full power of attachments that arise on a solid foundation of resentment.

In order to survive a break with a person who did not hesitate to put his hand in, you need to forgive him. Initially, it will seem difficult and almost unrealistic, because the roots of the problem will go as deep as possible, and forgiveness will seem out of reach. However, sooner or later you will have to admit that the situation took place, but it is in the past. This man left not because he was so terrible, but because he made a conscious decision that should be respected.

I'm depressed after a breakup. What to do?

The situation when, after parting, a prolonged depression sets in is far from an isolated case. Getting closer to any person, we involuntarily reveal our weaknesses to him and establish certain energy relationships. At first they seem timid and unobtrusive, but soon they appear in full force and the connection becomes much stronger.

After a break, all the threads that unite people and resemble in their essence the blood system are torn, which causes quite serious pain. It arises for quite objective reasons and prevents you from moving on.

When faced with depression, it is important to acknowledge its existence. It is necessary to give yourself time to correct internal programs. It should be understood that absolutely any living system is capable of recovery, but sometimes it happens sometimes not as quickly as we would like. Depression and your own pain must be experienced, just like you experience cuts and bruises on your body.

In this situation, the most important thing is not to harden and close your heart, dulling your sensitivity. Believe your soul and remember that if it hurts, it means it heals.

How to live on after a breakup, if I still love and do not see life alone?

First, ask yourself: do you really feel love? If so, then you will probably understand his desire to act according to the dictates of his own heart. The departure of this person is his personal decision, to which he had every right, so let him act according to his inner code. You will have to get used to the idea that your loved one can be better off alone or with other people.

Also, it is necessary to feel all the freedom and understand that life is not limited to relationships alone. The world is full of interesting things, each of which is worth exploring. Do your own occupational therapy, get carried away with some kind of creativity or go in for sports - any of these ways will distract and give you a chance to explore yourself from a new, previously unknown side.

How to endure a breakup with a loved one if you have been together for more than 6 years?

It's really hard to deal with such a loss. Over such a long period of time, very strong emotional ties arise, the break of which is perceived extremely painfully and negatively. In this situation, it is important to separate love from attachment.

Your affection is the source of the very pain that torments you at night, and love is a completely different thing that, in principle, cannot cause inconvenience.

Attachment can be overcome and experienced, and love can be taken for granted. After such a breakup, it's time to remember what made up your life 6 years ago: did you have any special hobbies, inclinations or desires. Do whatever it takes to reach your goals! Now no one can stop you!

How to get through a breakup with a loved one if you are pregnant at the same time?

This question, unfortunately, arises among girls more and more often. Only a person who has absolutely no moral principles and foundations, so you need to treat it accordingly. Stop defending him in front of family, friends and yourself: he acted meanly, and this is worth recognizing. Also, it is important to understand that the child is not guilty of anything: he is worthy of a balanced and wise mother who will not shift negativity onto him. Focus on preparing for childbirth and cut off all contact that connects you with an ex-man.

To part in time or accept the gap as it is is a special science. Mastering it is an invariable component of every person's life, so pass this test with dignity and emerge victorious, regardless of the circumstances!

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He left ... Relationships that, it would seem, until recently were so strong, burst like a soap bubble and this person is no longer in your life. What to do when a man turned out to be the initiator of the break? How to survive separation from your loved one?

This is a situation that, unfortunately, many girls have encountered. After all, it is very rare to find on the first try a person with whom you can live until the end of your days. Before you meet true love we go through a series of trial and error. We choose, we make mistakes, sometimes we step on the same rake before we find what is really destined for us by fate. Although at the moment of the next relationship it seems that HE is that narrowed one, that half that you have been looking for for so long ... Unfortunately, this does not always work out in practice.

And now your beloved decides that you are not a couple for him, that without you he will be much better and decides to leave. It hurts, it’s insulting, the heart is torn to pieces at the thought that you will no longer see your own face and you don’t know how to survive parting with your beloved man.

There can be many reasons for parting: the past passion has passed, I met another one, the dissimilarity of characters and temperaments, the realization that you are strangers who no longer have points of contact, and even boredom ... And even more often, the fact that initially you chose not suitable for a long-term relationship man. To avoid this mistake, I recommend reading the book by R. Kirranov “How to make a man fall in love with you and successfully marry?” Book 3

It’s good if you manage to talk during a breakup, find out what didn’t suit him in your relationship. To draw, first of all, some conclusions for yourself. In order to try not to make the same mistakes in the next relationship with a new person.

And if not? If he left in English without explaining anything? How to be? How to learn to live with a broken heart?

We begin to delve into ourselves, convulsively look for the reason, what did not suit him in you. And the more self-criticism comes into your own address, the deeper you drive yourself into the abyss. After a long search for an answer, in what way did you not correspond to his ideals, self-pity begins, which very often is drowned out by many with alcohol ...

And as luck would have it, his name is heard on the street. For some reason, everyone abruptly begins to be called Sasha, Kolya, Vitalik, etc. As luck would have it, everything around him starts to remind HIM: the same car drove past him, here the guy is wearing the same jacket, but someone in the supermarket buys his favorite product ... Do you think that these are signs, reminders that indicate how dear this person was to you.

Blinded by your love, you did not notice that his love had long passed, burned out like a light bulb. So what do you hold on to? Why try to bring back something that is no longer there! "Spit and rub, - advise friends." But we understand that a person is not a robot and the heart cannot suddenly cross out all the time spent side by side with that person. In any case, memories will torment the soul. But these are only memories, footage is already from past life. You don’t cry when you look at photos of places where you felt good, but you know for sure that you won’t return there again, do you? And why? Because we are sure that you will go to places much better than before, and you will still have many impressions and bright events. So why allow yourself to get hung up on someone who did not appreciate your spiritual and human qualities. Do not look for a flaw in yourself, thinking that you are somehow flawed, deprived, wrong. You and this person just turned out to be two different puzzles of one picture called life. They did not fit together, although they tried to stick. One of the two was uncomfortable, cramped, uncomfortable. And that shouldn't be the case in a relationship. And be sure to watch the video clip on how to understand that he likes you or not

That's why first advice to get over a breakup with a loved one.: do not drive yourself into a corner, looking for flaws in yourself, thereby lowering your self-esteem. No need to feel sorry for yourself, turning into an amoeba without goals and plans for the future.

It also happens that after a breakup you feel a deep hatred for a person. How could he do this? To trample on feelings, humiliate with your departure and leave you alone to be torn to pieces by thoughts, what will happen next?

I want revenge. Cold, prudent revenge, so that nothing would work out for him, so that he, like you, is suffering now. Did you have such a desire to annoy someone you once loved, and now who has become your enemy?

If yes, then this is another step into the abyss. After all, when anger, revenge and negative thoughts take possession of the soul and heart, the mind is unable to think rationally and make adequate decisions. Man seems to be controlled by demons who lead him down the wrong road.

But the meaning of life and the purpose of a person also lies in self-realization, benefiting society and creating for the good. But what kind of self-realization can we talk about when you are controlled by rage and a force that destroys your entire essence? You become a puppet in the hands of your own anger. Do not belong to yourself and destroy your consciousness.

Once upon a time, when I parted with one young man who preferred another, I wanted to annoy him terribly. Do some dirty trick, harm his new relationship. Bring discord with his new passion. At that moment, I couldn't think of anything else. As a result, relationships at work deteriorated, an important task was disrupted, and I almost lost my good position. Yes, and it became difficult for friends to communicate with me when negativity and negative emotions simply gushed out in me, and this is very repulsive.

Fortunately, I managed to change my mind, rethink the situation and let the person out of my thoughts. Wish him good luck in new endeavors and go on without malice and revenge. It has become much easier. Improved relationships with family and colleagues. I realized that that person was simply not my life partner. I made the wrong choice at the time. So why hate him now and spoil his fate? I'm not God, I'm just a man and I have no right to interfere in the life of another with destructive actions.

Now, when we cross paths with this guy in the city, we can communicate as acquaintances without negativity and foul language against each other. Believe me, you also need to know how to part. Why accumulate enemies in your arsenal, who will send poisonous arrows of hatred towards you. Good attracts only good, and evil never benefits.

tip two : revenge and hatred are not the companions with which one must go through life. They will lead to a swamp, which is not easy to get out of. In this situation, you can compare your loss and your grief with the grief of other people, because there are people who are much more difficult now.

During this period, when you feel as if unsettled, do not the best solution throw yourself into the pool with your head and start a new relationship. The wedge knocks out with a wedge, but only when the consciousness is clear, the heart is open to new love, and the soul does not shrink from pain when remembering the past.

In the meantime, the passions inside you have not settled to the bottom, it is better to devote this time to your beloved. Very often, it is on an anguish in psychological terms that many talents wake up in a person. When the pain of the soul can be materialized into something constructive. This can be easily seen in the example of many great writers, poets and artists. In suffering, the muse came to them, and they created masterpieces that went down in world history.

Stress can be both constructive and destructive. Your task is to find a favorable side for yourself from the current situation. Get from the depths of your own consciousness what you are inclined to, what your individual abilities are developed for.

Want to write? Write out the pain on paper? Excellent. This action well helps to really get rid of the negative experiences that have accumulated inside. Paper, like a sponge, absorbs your pain, and a verse, essay, story, whatever, looms on it. Who knows, maybe someday you will publish your work, and it will help someone cope with the same situation that you had or, on the contrary, will cheer you up. And, perhaps, having started writing, you will continue to be engaged in creativity. Parting with a loved one thus marked the beginning of the discovery of your talents.

Someone may want to display experiences in the picture, and strokes will fall on the canvas, subtly conveying your state of mind. It doesn't have to be something dark and sad. On the contrary, the picture can turn out to be bright with a hint of new life and prospects that open up before you.

Alternatively, you can also sign up for some courses, such as floristry, interior design, computer graphics, modeling. Anything that will allow you to connect your fantasy, reveal your individuality and, so to speak, pull out hidden potentials.

He left? Good luck! And you have a lot of work to do without him. The more versatile a person becomes, the more hobbies he has, the more interesting it is to be in his society, and during a new relationship this will only be a plus for you.

So, tip three in order to survive a breakup with a man: get creative, it, like the best elixir, will dispel sadness and light the bright lights in your heart.

Don't forget about friends. Reclusion and unwillingness to see people is also not a way out of the situation. Meet, communicate, participate in the lives of others. Just do not arrange gatherings with friends in a cafe and over and over again scroll through your situation over a glass of wine. So it will firmly sit in your head, and, therefore, you will not be able to experience anything but self-pity or negativity towards the “deserter”. It is better to get out with friends to places such as bowling, billiards, theater, exhibitions. And provide the mind with intellectual food, and dispel the consciousness, leading an active lifestyle.

Tip four : do not tell the whole world how bad you are, do not whine to your friends, saying how unhappy, abandoned and abandoned you are. What for? Yes, now you may not have the brightest streak. But you shouldn't make black out of it either. When one thing ends, another begins. This is the cycle of life. Everything is natural. And to make tragedy or the end of the world out of the fact that you are no longer together is at least not reasonable. This period must be experienced by engaging in self-development, and not ringing about it to the whole wide world, making yourself a victim.

If possible, it would be nice to leave the city and unwind. Change the environment that reminds you of the "former". For example, go on a sightseeing tour and the saturation it will be, the better. Let during this period the brain digest information about the sights of other cities and countries, about the culture and traditions of local residents. Let the days fly by non-stop, when you have to move from one place to another, visiting temples, museums, palaces ... You yourself will not notice how your head will be occupied with completely different thoughts, and not with the fact that you have been abandoned and now you are lonely. About travel and where it is better to go, read the good articles in the Travel section.

Why is it worth going on a guided tour? Purely psychologically, if you go to some exotic place by the sea, there is a risk that you will be even more sad. Here is a beautiful sunset, magnificent nature, the sound of waves, a moonlit path and how good it would be to be here with him. How nice it would be to be in his arms now. Not! Such thoughts are of no use to us. Therefore than more people will surround you and the richer your program during the trip, the easier and faster you will enter a new direction of life.

So one of my friends Marina met her future husband during a sightseeing trip to Italy. Before that, she was also abandoned by a young man. But, having decided that life does not end there, and Italy has always been her dream, the girl hastily applied for a visa, packed her bags and rushed off in the company of fellow travelers to the most beautiful country. On the bus, she got into a conversation with a guy who was also traveling alone to Italy. Sympathy arose between the young people, they went on all excursions together. And after returning to their homeland after an amazing trip, they began to meet, six months later they signed. Now they have a wonderful baby, who recently turned three years old. About other wonderful stories of dating.

tip five : change the environment, study the history and culture of other countries. So you will not only get a lot of new impressions and emotions, but also broaden your horizons.

And in conclusion, I would like to say the following: if you didn’t succeed with a specific person, you shouldn’t think that all men are goats, deceivers and you can’t trust anyone. By closing your heart and radiating distrust, you will not bring new bright relationships into your life. If it appears new person on the horizon, then the relationship model may develop according to the previous scheme - they will leave you again. Only by working on yourself, on your mistakes, drawing conclusions and sending goodness into the universe, fate will present a pleasant surprise in the form of a meeting with a real man worthy of you. Know how to let go of a person, do not keep him in your heart. He doesn't care, but it's you who suffers.

Throw away unnecessary garbage from your head and heart, like rubbish from a closet. Make room for a new stage in life, which will certainly appear if you act constructively in the right direction. Developing, giving others positive emotions and believing that meeting with the "former" for you was like a warm-up before starting a really worthwhile relationship.

Let it not be possible to meet the love of a lifetime on the first, second, third attempt. But all these people who appeared in your life taught something, some lesson and experience can be learned from every relationship. And there were plenty of good times too. And now it's time to move on. So, in these relations the limit has come. You can't get anything more useful from them. But the Earth is huge and somewhere on the way to you is already coming towards you. desirable man destined for you by fate.

Article protected by copyright and related rights.!

Sincerely, Mila Alexandrova.

In the life of almost every person, sooner or later, parting occurs. In the lives of many - more than once. This is very significant event, since it is only on one side the end of something. More importantly, parting is a moment of choice and the beginning of something new. If the choice is right, it becomes the beginning of a new one, a better life, a truer understanding of love. It was the separation that helped a huge number of people to become adults, loving and happy people.

The theme of parting in full. I have enriched and deepened my experience with the help of highly qualified psychologists and Orthodox priests who participate in the operation of the Perezhit.ru website. This article is the quintessence of our methodology. The article does not replace other articles, but will help you structure and better understand the material.

1. Put an end

If the separation has occurred, first of all, you need to take the fact of what happened for granted. If a person is gone, you need to let him go. It is necessary to put an end to those relations that were.

Stories are different. Unfortunately, there are separations in marital relations. Therefore, when I say that it is necessary to put an end to it, I do not say: shut the door tightly, bury the person, erase him from your memory. Not! Often lawful husbands and wives return with repentance, and then they can be accepted. It's about something else. Coming to terms with a breakup means letting go of a person. Recognize his right to such a decision, even if it is wrong. Stop holding it.

Theoretically, it is possible that after some time both of you will change, and a new meeting of you may occur, and you new ones will be able to create other, more harmonious relationships.

But the people you are now couldn't be together. The path you were on has come to this point. And at this point it ended. The person you are now must recognize and accept this.

If you have even a little love for this person, recognize his right to be free. Let go and bless him.

Say to yourself, addressing this person: “I let you go! Bless you!"

The cessation of attempts to return a person, the cessation of hopes for his return is completely necessary condition successful separation. Some cling to a person for months and years. And as long as they cling, they suffer, they get stuck in this state.

Often lovers (especially those suffering from love addiction) break up and converge several times. And the further - the lower the quality of their relationship. They thereby humiliate themselves, their relationships, they reinforce the skills of how not to live, and reduce their chances of building healthy relationships. There is good rule: "Leaving go!"

And believe that your clinging does not increase the love and respect for you of the one you cling to, but quite the contrary.

2. Overcome intrusive thoughts

In most crises, we suffer not from the situation itself, but from false obsessive thoughts about it. "You won't find someone as good as her." "You won't love anyone else." "You will never have children." "It's impossible to love someone like you." “I won’t love anyone like that again” (this is usually for girls aged 15-18), “There is no need to live anymore.” These thoughts hurt us almost physically, plunge us into despair.

Relatively speaking, 10% of our suffering is from the situation itself, from the inability to see loved one, be with him, etc., 90% - from these false thoughts. So, as soon as we overcome these thoughts, we will stop suffering. And you can overcome obsessive thoughts quickly enough.

First of all, we need to recognize these thoughts as an external force hostile to us, which, with the help of deceit, is trying to plunge us into despair and almost kill us from the world. These thoughts are not generated by you! They have come from outside to harm you. To accept a thought or not to accept is in our power. If we accept it and begin to “chew it”, then it becomes, as it were, ours.

What do psychologists of women's and popular psychological magazines advise in such cases? Get distracted. Find an activity that will help you take your mind off heavy thoughts. This is as “wise” as advising a front line soldier to turn away from the enemy so as not to see his nasty face, and do something else. Like, you can't see him, so he's gone.

And what about the fact that just at that moment he will put a bullet in your back?

My advice is unequivocal - turn to face the enemy and fight. This is the only real opportunity to deal with this enemy. A thought is such a thing that neither an exercise bike, nor a swimming pool, nor the fingers of a beautician or masseur, nor a new lover can protect. Thought can only be defeated by thought!

How to win?

Arguing with hostile thoughts is useless. Some hope, with the help of a discussion with thoughts that overcome them, to analyze something, to judge, to make some kind of decision. In the acute period of the crisis, in the first week or two, no sound reasoning and right decisions are possible. First you need to bring yourself to a healthy, sober state. In a period of acute crisis, we have only one goal - to gain a sober view of things by combating obsessive thoughts.

The only way to overcome false thoughts is to oppose them with true, kind thoughts, clothed in the power of prayer.

To do this, it is necessary, first of all, to constantly control what kind of thought torments you. That's what I call looking the enemy in the face.

Second, to oppose this thought with an appropriate prayer. That is, a prayer, the meaning of which is opposite to the thought that torments at the moment. three or four short prayers enough to “deal with” most of the obsessive thoughts in a breakup situation.

If you are tormented by thoughts of self-pity, thoughts of despondency, grumbling or fear.

Typical thoughts are: “I won’t love anyone else”, “I won’t feel so good with anyone else”, “My life no longer makes sense”, “How can I, poor thing, now live?”. Our worst enemy is self-pity. This pity must be dealt with ruthlessly.

Prayers that are used against such thoughts: “Glory to God for everything!”, “Thy will for everything. Let it be as You please!”

The meaning of these prayers is that we recognize the non-randomness of what happened. We recognize that no matter how painful it is, it is for our good. We thus express trust in God, who wishes us every good, and the confidence that this event will serve to improve our lives and our souls. And since the improvement of the soul implies an increase in love in it, it means that it is quite possible that we will still love someone, and with a more perfect love.

If you are tormented by thoughts about the person with whom we are parting, or about the one who “took away” this person.

Typical thoughts: “He is the best, you won’t meet such a person again”, “I can’t live without her!”, “How would I return him”, “Scoundrel! How could he deceive me like that!”, “I hate her, the vile one, for taking him away! How can I get revenge on her?"

If we are tormented by the thought of any person, we kill it with a simple prayer: “Lord, bless this person!”. We invest in this prayer the desire for good to a person.

The psychological explanation is this. The fact is that the essence of obsessive thoughts that torment us is evil, aggression. This is either an insult to a person, or a desire to deprive him of his freedom, tying him to himself against his will, or a desire to take revenge, or a desire that misfortunes befell him for what he did. All this is the opposite of love. And so, when we oppose a good thought to these evil thoughts, the evil thought is defeated.

There is also a deeper level of understanding. If we admit that the source of our evil thoughts are dark entities, then it is clear that evil is their goal. And as a result of such prayer, not just good is obtained, but double good: both you benefit from prayer, and the person for whom you pray. Naturally, such a result of their intervention does not suit these dark entities at all, and they move away from you. Verified by many!

If you are tormented by aggressive thoughts addressed to yourself.

False thoughts: “It’s impossible to love someone like you, you are a loser”, “You are to blame for everything, if only you hadn’t made that mistake!”

Prayer: Praise God for everything! If they are really guilty of something: “Lord, have mercy!”, “Lord, forgive!”.

Prayer "Glory to God for everything!" universal. It contains, among other things, self-acceptance, gratitude to God for the good that is in us.

Penitential prayers: “Lord, have mercy!”, “Lord, forgive!” are pronounced without strain, in an even, impassive tone. If we start acting, we ourselves will not notice how, instead of repentance, we will concentrate on despondency and self-pity: “Oh, how unfortunate I am, have pity on me!”. This will only cause harm. When a person truly repents, he firmly believes that God forgives him, and every minute it is easier for him.

I emphasize: the tone of all prayers must be even, no matter what storm rages within us!

There are a few more rules to keep in mind when praying.

First, you need to control your attitude towards the One to whom you pray. Remember that God does not owe you anything. He is not to blame for the fact that you are now ill. But you, most likely, are largely to blame before Him. Therefore, pray humbly. Only humble prayer achieves the goal. Prayer, in the depths of which there is an offense against God or an impudent demand, will not give anything.

This is on the one hand. On the other hand, do not consider yourself a completely alien, disenfranchised petitioner. You are not addressing an indifferent official, but a merciful Father who loves you. He wants to give you everything you ask for and more.

Secondly, believe that you are being heard, that you can be helped and will certainly be helped. God is omnipotent, He created this world out of nothing. God hears your every word (which you yourself hear), and not a single word of yours is wasted.

Thirdly, it is desirable to know as well as possible the One to whom you are praying. Some people think that God is higher intelligence". But under the definition of "higher intelligence" is quite suitable and Satan. Therefore, if you are close to Christianity, try reading the Gospel to find out what kind of God He is. Just do not visualize God during prayer - this is very dangerous. (Looking at the icon of Jesus Christ does not mean presenting God in front of you, it is safe.)

You need to pray for exactly as long as the attack on you by obsessive thoughts continues. Some will read the prayer several times, and then say: "I tried to pray - it did not help." This is ridiculous. You are sitting in a trench. The enemy is firing at you from all sides. You fire three shots at the enemy. Naturally, the shelling does not stop. In desperation, you crawl to the bottom of the trench, throwing away the machine gun: it allegedly does not help.

Where is the logic here? The force of action must be equal to the force of reaction! When I was in this situation, for the first 5 or 7 days I prayed almost continuously, repeating the words of the prayers thousands of times. By carefully observing exactly what thought is attacking me now, and using the appropriate prayer against it. I held on to my prayer like a drowning man to a lifeline. Naturally, if I let go of the circle, I would immediately go to the bottom.

Therefore, do not be lazy, do not retreat, do not give up! Fight with all your might!

3. Forgive yourself and the other person

Common problems in a breakup situation are positions of resentment towards the other person or blaming oneself. Both positions prevent us from finally recovering.

Another person may be guilty of something before us. However, you need to forgive him, for two reasons.

First, we do not know exactly why it happened, we do not know the degree of our guilt. The mistakes of one of the two can be obvious (drunkenness, cruelty, betrayal, consumerism on a material level), and the other is hidden (consumerism on a spiritual level, jealousy, disrespect, emancipation). However, the former may be a consequence of the latter. That is why they say that both are always to blame. Each of the two always has their own truth. And you, knowing only your own truth, but not knowing the truth of another, cannot judge him.

Secondly, your resentment binds you to this person, as shackles bind two convicts. By cutting the chain of resentment, you release not only him, but also yourself. And each of you takes with you your piece of the chain - your share of responsibility.

How to forgive?

Tell him mentally: “I forgive you!” This does not mean that you approve of what he did or take full responsibility for what happened. No, he is responsible and fully responsible for his mistakes. But he will bear this responsibility himself, without your participation.

If the obsessive thought of resentment continues to haunt you, use the weapon of prayer described above: “God bless him!”

If we blame ourselves, we need to sort out our feelings and separate the rational from the irrational.

Rational - these are the facts of your specific sins: betrayal, rudeness, deceit, jealousy, the wife's desire to rise above her husband, etc.

The irrational is just an inferiority complex, behind which are not facts, but beliefs: “I am bad”, “I am no good”, “I am not worthy of love”, etc.

The rational is cured by repentance. Take your share of responsibility on yourself, refraining from self-justification. Ask for forgiveness from a person - really or mentally. Ask for forgiveness from God. Work on fixing yourself to become a different person who won't do it again.

The irrational is an obsessive false thought. She heals with prayer and good deeds. But above all - improving relations with parents.

4. Benefit, work on yourself

Known common truth: any difficult situation, any crisis is not a “misfortune”, but a test. A test is an opportunity sent down to us from above, accurately calculated for our needs and abilities, to grow, to take a step towards personal perfection and a better life. And the opportunity to grow is so important and valuable to us that it would be strange to call it a misfortune. As we grow up, we become happier.

But growth does not automatically follow trial. As stated earlier, a test is an opportunity. If we only feel sorry for ourselves, blame others, lose heart, grumble, then we have not passed the test, we have not grown up. And you have to grow. So the next lesson will be tougher.

To pass the test, you must first of all humble yourself. When you and I, overcoming the desire to lose heart, feel sorry for ourselves and grumble, prayed “Glory to Thee, Lord!” This was the school of humility. Thanks to this school, we will not be so upset during the next trials. Humility makes us stronger and more patient. Humility is our most valuable "income" from any trial.

Now that the acute stage of the crisis has passed, it is time to soberly analyze the reasons for what happened.

First, what were components your relationship, how much love was there, how much dependence, how much physiological passion? From your side, from your partner's side.

Secondly, what were the genuine goals relationships - family, pleasure, mercantile calculation? From your side, from your partner's side. To what extent these goals are worthy of you, do you need such goals?

Thirdly, if the goal was worthy (a real family), then how much you and this person approached for each other and for this purpose? Could this goal be achieved with this person? And did you know him enough to allow the degree of intimacy that you allowed? And what kind of person can achieve this goal? And what kind of person is best for you? What qualities do you lack in order to successfully achieve this goal? Are you an adult or an addict? What harmful and useful habits did you take away from your parental family and from the relationships that preceded these relationships?

Fourthly, if both the goal was worthy and the people worthy of the goal, what mistakes were allowed by you in the process of achieving these goals? What should you do to get better results?

In the process of this analysis, write down on paper everything that you need to change in yourself. Your mistakes that you need to repent. Your shortcomings that should be corrected. Those good qualities that you need to develop in yourself. These records will be your second "income" from this test.

To get the third "income" from the test, put this sheet into action - start working on yourself. First of all, we are talking about inner work. About overcoming addictions, passions, cultivating love, chastity. Such work on yourself will make you a different person.

If you find it necessary to also work on your body, doing physical education is in any case beneficial. Physical training, coupled with overcoming “I can’t do it anymore”, not only makes our body younger and more attractive, but also strengthens the will, which is of great importance for the success of all the affairs of our life.

It is very important at this stage to put in front of you the right goals for the next period of life. It is the improvement of yourself as a person, the cultivation of love in yourself, getting rid of shortcomings that should be your goals. Not a new meeting, not the return of the one who left.

Moreover, it is highly desirable abstain from any relationship for at least a year, similar to love ones - even chaste ones. Because otherwise the relationship will be built on an unreliable foundation. The first time after parting, self-esteem is underestimated. After some time of work on yourself, it can become overpriced. Both that, and another, hinders soberly to estimate the partner. In addition, the substitution effect is known, when we unconsciously look for a replacement for a partner who has left us. Relationships that begin to take shape ahead of time will be fragile.

So don't get hung up on the topic. love relationship! Don't worry about having nowhere to meet a good man! Everything will happen in due time. When you are ready to create a full-fledged family, a worthy person will appear. As soon as you become a princess, your prince will immediately rush on a white horse. Even if you sit at home all day because of illness, he will make a mistake with the door or phone number - and will come to you. And if you are not ready, then even with a huge circle of friends you will not be able to choose anyone.

If age leaves little hope for creating a new family, all the more, a person has one field of activity left - his soul. If there is someone to take care of, this is also a worthy task of life, but still, improving yourself is more important. Since only loving person can truly care for others. Here is the story of a woman who lives a dignified life after a divorce in celibacy.

5. Do not recognize the right to be unhappy

Many of us, unconsciously for ourselves, in the state “I am poor, unhappy, no one loves me” feel more comfortable than in the state: “I was born for happiness, and it depends on me whether to be happy or not.” This is due to infantilism (childishness), the inability to overcome some stages of growing up. We do not want, as adults, to take responsibility for ourselves. And therefore, although we are afraid of trouble, when they come, we literally cling to them and do not want to let go.

The more infantile a person is, the longer he gets stuck in a state of experience. Just as at school he liked to lie in bed when he was ill, feel sorry for himself and accept the sympathy of others, so here he lies down in the bed of self-pity. Finally, it seems like a valid reason for self-pity has been found. And in this state after parting, a person, if desired, can stay for many years. But what's the point?

In fact, there is not a single valid reason for such relaxation. Adult, mentally healthy people never relieve themselves of their responsibility to themselves and other people. After all, we need other people, and ourselves. We need not only healthy and capable, but also strong, joyful, able to support and delight others.

Therefore, adults, mentally healthy people do not get stuck even in such a severe trauma as experiencing the death of a loved one. No one but our enemies needs our tears, physical and mental illness and suicide. All our near and far, living and dead, need us strong and joyful.

Therefore, our task is to rejoice. And not sometime later, when everything will work out, and we will create a family with one of the heirs of the British royal house. You need to rejoice right now. There is no good reason not to do this. We are alive, able to work, we can love, God loves us, and He has given us many abilities that it's time to use.

6. Do good deeds

Good deeds are of particular importance in self-improvement. If the crisis has helped you identify in yourself a tendency to love addiction, low self-esteem, selfishness or self-absorption, doing good deeds is the best medicine for you. Only it should be a real good deed, and not a deal based on the gratitude of people.

Buy Dmitry Semenik's book "Fill your life with love" print version